Harry S Plinkett and the New Jedi Order
by Onimiman
Summary: More Plinkett fun for the whole family! Watch as the great Harry S., who has given us wonderful reviews of the Star Wars prequels, Indiana Jones 4, Titanic, Baby's Day Out, and Kevin Bacon, tortures two of your most beloved female role model heroes in the Star Wars EU, Jaina Solo Fel and Tahiri Veila, into pitiful messes.


Jedi Master Jaina Solo Fel used her violet lightsaber to slash down the metal door of the abandoned factory within the sector of Coruscant known as the Works. Using her saber as a pseudo-glowrod, she walked in and glanced at her dusty, desolate environment as her husband Jagged followed her in, both of his hands gripped on his blaster.

"Where are you?!" Jaina exclaimed, her voice echoing throughout the factory. "I know you're here, you filthy piece of Hutt slime!"

"You sure you don't wanna call me a piece of slimy worm-ridden filth?" a deep, drawling voice echoed back.

Ignoring the question, Jag interjected with, "What have you done with Tahiri Veila?"

"If by what have I done, you mean have I violated her sexually in ways that not even Sre-Sre..." He trailed off, as if he had trouble saying something. "Sre-dan Spazo-Jevik... the guy who made _A Serbian Film_, yeah. You mean have I violated that dumb blonde sexually in ways that not even the guy who made _A Serbian Film_ could ever dream of during a coke binge, then no, no, I have not done any such things."

In spite of the confusion that their charge was bringing, neither Jaina nor Jag were distracted in their search for their prey. "Where is she?" Jaina asked impatiently.

"You wanna know?" the voice replied. "Then I'll sshhooww youuu..." He drawled off the last two words, as if to emphasize a point.

Then the ground around the Fels suddenly erupted in a green gas that enfolded them faster than even Jaina's danger sense could predict. Jaina and Jag were unconscious in five seconds.

~o~

When Jaina awoke, the first thing she noticed, other than being chained up by her wrists and ankles against a rusty pipe behind her, was that she could not sense anything through the Force. She looked off to her left and found a caged Force-muting ysalamari a few meters from her. Now knowing that the Force couldn't help her here, Jaina decided to actually view her surroundings, and she found that she was in a small dingy basement with a dimmed, old-fashioned light bulb hanging overhead being the only source of light in the room.

Jaina noticed that both Jag and her lightsaber missing, as well as that an apparently-unconscious Tahiri Veila was also bound by steel cables, like Jaina, against a pipe behind her. Tahiri was also missing her lightsaber, Jaina noticed.

"Tahiri, wake up!" Jaina exclaimed.

Tahiri's eyes snapped open at once and she looked at Jaina with utter hatred. She opened her mouth and began spewing what, at initial hearing, sounded like guttural nonsense, but which sounded all-too-familiar to Jaina. It was when Tahiri yelled, "_Jeedai_!" that it clicked to Jaina that she had fallen back to her Yuuzhan Vong persona of Riina Kwaad.

"No!" Jaina muttered to herself in horror.

Then the door up the nearby wooden staircase opened, and both Jaina and Tahiri turned their heads to look. They remained silent as their captor almost leisurely walked down the stairs as he sung in his low drawl, "Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat."

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Jaina and Tahiri could see that he was a near-obese human male who appeared to be in his centennian years, who wore a black T-visor and a red-striped white fedora. He wore only some slippers, white tighty-whiteys, and an ale-stained white undershirt. He spared a brief second regarding the two Jedi women before he turned away from them and continued singing, "Delicious things to eat, the popcorn can't be beat. The sparking drinks are just dandy, the chocolate bars and nut candy. So let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat. Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat." When he stopped singing, he stopped near a cabinet and pulled it open.

Jaina and Tahiri continued to quietly regard their captor as he pulled out a black bag that appeared to have something inside, as Jaina noticed. She also noticed that the black bag seemed to be dripping red blood at the bottom.

It was then that Tahiri suddenly shrieked like a wild bird, causing Jaina to wince away from the painful scream. Their captor yelped, though in a lazy tone, as if the very action wasn't genuine, as he muffled his ears with his hands.

"What the fuck?!" the captor exclaimed.

Then Tahiri stopped shrieking and began crying, tears already streaming out of her eyes. "Please, Mister, let me and my friend go!" she sobbed, as if she weren't an experienced Jedi Knight. "We won't tell anyone, we swear! Just don't hurt us!"

"Quiet!" their captor shouted. "Neither of you are going anywhere before I show you-" He indicated Jaina "-this." He hefted the bag that still dripped blood before he began walking over to her.

"What are you going to do to me?" Jaina asked, fear dripping from her voice.

"No!" Tahiri cried. "No, no! Please! Don't!"

"I need to show you this," their captor said to Jaina as he reached one hand in for the bag. "I must show you this."

"No!" Tahiri continued to beg.

But their captor ignored her and he pulled out...

"What is that?" Jaina asked in confusion as the fat man showed her an old-fashioned DVD case, dripping in the blood that seeped from the bag, whose title said _Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones_. Then Jaina noticed the characters featured on the cover of the DVD; her grandfather Anakin Skywalker, around twenty years old, brandishing a sky-blue lightsaber, with a younger Obi-Wan Kenobi and who Jaina recognized to be her grandmother Padme Amidala all featured.

"I must share with you my pain," Mr. Harry S. Plinkett grumbled.

Jaina made face that transitioned from confusion to seriousness again. "Where's my husband?"

"He won't be a problem to me anymore..."

"You killed him!" Jaina accused.

"What?" Plinkett asked. "Whoever said I killed him?"

"Then what did you do to him?" Jaina asked.

~o~

In a club a few miles away from the Works, Jagged Fel danced and partied to bad hiphop music happily with several scantily-clad human and Twi'lek women who all looked like they were ready to engage in an orgy with him. His wedding ring was nowhere to be seen on his hand.

~o~

More than two hours later, after Jaina was shown _Attack of the Clones_, she ended up as a sobbing mess with Tahiri as the two of them, both of them unchained in Plinkett's basement, didn't have the will to fight anymore.

"Do either of you want to get out alive?" Plinkett asked.

Both women nodded.

"Then you will need to pass this trial," Plinkett said as he turned to a nearby cabinet where five puzzle boxes waited. He picked all of them up and continued with, "You have one hour to assemble all of the pieces of the puzzles into the portraits they present, or the both of you die." Plinkett then opened up each box and threw the pieces out among Jaina and Tahiri, who both cried and began to assemble the pieces desperately and vainly.

A minute later, Plinkett held up an old-fashioned watch from his pocket and announced, "Fifty-nine minutes!"

The cries from Jaina and Tahiri were renewed for a while before Tahiri shook Jaina by her shoulders and told her, in her panicked tone, that they needed to stay together.

Fifty-eight minutes and forty-five seconds later, none of the puzzles were completed, and Plinkett began to approach his charges. "It's time to go to the freezer, where you'll make friends with the cockroaches!"

"No!" Jaina and Tahiri cried out.

"I'm sorry," Plinkett said insincerely as he reached out for Tahiri, "but you gotta go."

"Why are you doing this?" Jaina pleaded. "Wasn't showing us that movie enough?!"

"Quiet!" Plinkett demanded as he dragged a struggling Tahiri to the back of the basement. "You're next!"

~o~

Two days later, after Plinkett returned to his home reality, he was eating Totino's Pizza Rolls in his kitchen with Palpatine.

"So what's it like living as a cheap sellout?" Palpatine asked.

"Remind me again why we're friends?" Plinkett asked. "And it's not like you live a humble life."

"At least I don't jump the shark."

"Look, bitch, I don't jump, sharks. I fuck them for breakfast."

"WHAAATTT?!"

"You heard me, c-, I said I fuck sharks for breakfast."

"WHAAATTT?!"


End file.
